i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
