Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
