I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
