dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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