Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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