at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
