Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
