I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
it's like iHOP with fire
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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