I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
