I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
