there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
