I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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