i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
