A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
