i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
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Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
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Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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