I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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