So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
