this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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