3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
