So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Randomize
