Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
