Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
