I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
