living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
