This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
