Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
