I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
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