Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
