On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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