mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
time to smoke my breakfast
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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