I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
cat food counts as protein by the way
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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