chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
What did we do last night that was yellow?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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