Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
