I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
