Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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