I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize