Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Pants are for mortals
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
