I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
