Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Acid is not a monday night drug
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
