I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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