just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
