Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
