Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
