Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I cut my penus on the lid.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
