I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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