Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
