Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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