Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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