the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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