I'm really into asian looking animals
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
