Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
