Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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