I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Randomize
