Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
