similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
