then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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