Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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