i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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