he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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