and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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